BIG WATCHES
It's a Fossil, dig it.
I'll be here two nights only. Try the steak.
This is, indeed, a Fossil. It is also a primo example of what is wrong with the world.
First, it's really big. I mean really big. Kirsty Ally big. Val Kilmer big. Marlon Brando big. The horror...the horror (nothin' can make me believe that each and every one 'a yous out there wouldn'a written the same thing at the mention of Brando...).
The only reason to even consider wearing this watch is if you live in the middle of the Gobi desert and you lost both of your contact lenses, and your life depends on knowing the almost exact time. It would still not be okay, but I'd let it slide that one time.
Second: There are flames on the watch face. The kind of flames you see on low-riders that have hydraulic axles or whatever (I customized it myself...say it in an East L.A. accent, Cheech) that make the car epileptic. You also see them airbrushed onto the custom gas tanks of choppers with long apehanger handlebars and saddlebags with fringe and silver buckles with American Indian motifs. And don't forget the skank/crack ho/tweaker 'babe' riding pinion. You know the ones I'm talking 'bout; the ubiquitous biker chick (this can be applied also to NASCAR, and WWF chicks) with a face like an old catcher's mitt, breasts, belly and butt ten sizes too big for the cut offs and sleeveless Budweiser t-shirts ( to be fair, they sometimes mix it up with rebel flag, Harley Davidson, Jack Daniels, and slogan tees that say things like, "Will flash for crack. Sexy.) she seems to live in, who sucks down Marlboro Reds when her old man's got money, and Monaco's (two packs for $1.50!) when he don't, drinks Bud, tequila and Jack instead of water, has a $100 a day crank habit, and thinks it's sexy to flash her own amazingly sagging 'saddlebags' to truckers on the interstate. Them's good luvin'.
Third: At the push of a button, the black void behind the hands lights up with 'metamorphix' flames. This is so stupid that it has stunned me. Really. I feel like someone hit me on the brain with a bag of cat litter. I can't think of anything else to say about this except that it will impress said skanks, crack hos, tweakers, etc., and help you 'git sum'. Blech...
More to the point, this watch offends me in myriad ways. Too many to even begin to mention. It offends me so much I didn't even bother to put in a battery.
I doubt the person who would wear this thing and think it's cool can even tell time. Probably, he thinks it's a wykkyd ol' men's bracelet with innerestin' little spinny things on the front.
You know what? I have to rescind my earlier lenience. It's not okay to wear this watch. Ever. I won't let it slide. Period.
If I ever encounter someone wearing a watch like this, I'll put a Vulcan deathgrip on him, relieve him of the offending object, stomp the object with my Doc Martens and then spit some Beechnut in that dude's eye. Then I'll tell his woman to hit the bricks and all the good lookin' chicks will beg me to go steady with them.
Nah. I'd just surreptitiously point him out to my girlfriend and make cutting and witty comments about him and his watch very quietly so he doesn't overhear and get all Mullet and Camaro on my ass.
So there. You don't want to mess with me.
I'm not joking, bubba.
Ya' hear?
ps. This monstrosity is water resistant to 5 ATM so you can withdraw cash from your account at the automated teller five times without getting wet, apparently.
This is, indeed, a Fossil. It is also a primo example of what is wrong with the world.
First, it's really big. I mean really big. Kirsty Ally big. Val Kilmer big. Marlon Brando big. The horror...the horror (nothin' can make me believe that each and every one 'a yous out there wouldn'a written the same thing at the mention of Brando...).
The only reason to even consider wearing this watch is if you live in the middle of the Gobi desert and you lost both of your contact lenses, and your life depends on knowing the almost exact time. It would still not be okay, but I'd let it slide that one time.
Second: There are flames on the watch face. The kind of flames you see on low-riders that have hydraulic axles or whatever (I customized it myself...say it in an East L.A. accent, Cheech) that make the car epileptic. You also see them airbrushed onto the custom gas tanks of choppers with long apehanger handlebars and saddlebags with fringe and silver buckles with American Indian motifs. And don't forget the skank/crack ho/tweaker 'babe' riding pinion. You know the ones I'm talking 'bout; the ubiquitous biker chick (this can be applied also to NASCAR, and WWF chicks) with a face like an old catcher's mitt, breasts, belly and butt ten sizes too big for the cut offs and sleeveless Budweiser t-shirts ( to be fair, they sometimes mix it up with rebel flag, Harley Davidson, Jack Daniels, and slogan tees that say things like, "Will flash for crack. Sexy.) she seems to live in, who sucks down Marlboro Reds when her old man's got money, and Monaco's (two packs for $1.50!) when he don't, drinks Bud, tequila and Jack instead of water, has a $100 a day crank habit, and thinks it's sexy to flash her own amazingly sagging 'saddlebags' to truckers on the interstate. Them's good luvin'.
Third: At the push of a button, the black void behind the hands lights up with 'metamorphix' flames. This is so stupid that it has stunned me. Really. I feel like someone hit me on the brain with a bag of cat litter. I can't think of anything else to say about this except that it will impress said skanks, crack hos, tweakers, etc., and help you 'git sum'. Blech...
More to the point, this watch offends me in myriad ways. Too many to even begin to mention. It offends me so much I didn't even bother to put in a battery.
I doubt the person who would wear this thing and think it's cool can even tell time. Probably, he thinks it's a wykkyd ol' men's bracelet with innerestin' little spinny things on the front.
You know what? I have to rescind my earlier lenience. It's not okay to wear this watch. Ever. I won't let it slide. Period.
If I ever encounter someone wearing a watch like this, I'll put a Vulcan deathgrip on him, relieve him of the offending object, stomp the object with my Doc Martens and then spit some Beechnut in that dude's eye. Then I'll tell his woman to hit the bricks and all the good lookin' chicks will beg me to go steady with them.
Nah. I'd just surreptitiously point him out to my girlfriend and make cutting and witty comments about him and his watch very quietly so he doesn't overhear and get all Mullet and Camaro on my ass.
So there. You don't want to mess with me.
I'm not joking, bubba.
Ya' hear?
ps. This monstrosity is water resistant to 5 ATM so you can withdraw cash from your account at the automated teller five times without getting wet, apparently.
Old Ken Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his FREAKIN' BIG WATCH!
My REACTION to this KENNETH COLE watch is to TYPE IN ALL CAPS! THE WATCH IS SO BIG IT DEMANDS EVERYTHING BE BIG AS WELL. LIKE TEXAS. OR MONTANA.
GO GET A DINNER PLATE. A SQUARE ONE IF YOU HAVE IT, BUT A ROUND ONE WILL DO. STRAP IT TO YOUR WRIST. YOU HAVE NOW SIMULATED THE FEEL OF WEARING THIS WATCH.
KENNETH COLE IS A VERY POPULAR DESIGNER. I LIKE HIS CLOTHES AND SHOES AND WHATNOT. I DO NOT, HOWEVER, LIKE THIS WATCH. I THINK THE FACTORY ACCIDENTALLY TRANSPOSED THE SIZING NUMBERS FOR A BILLBOARD ONTO THE PLANS FOR THIS WATCH, BECAUSE I CAN'T FACE THE IDEA THAT HE ACTUALLY INTENDED IT TO BE THIS SIZE.
WHAT'S NEXT? SUNGLASSES THE SIZE OF HUBCAPS? SUVS SO BIG THEY LOOK LIKE (UGLY) PIL BOXES ON WHEELS? GOLD MEDALLIONS ALSO THE SIZE OF HUBCAPS?
THIS WATCH IS IN ALMOST PERFECT CONDITION. IT HAS BEEN WORN BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW BY LOOKING AT IT. IT WORKS JUST FINE. IF YOU WANT TO BUY IT MAKE ME AN OFFER. AND I MEAN A BIG OFFER. I NEED TO GET IT OUT OF THE GARAGE SO I CAN PULL IN MY HUMMER.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl
And he called for his FREAKIN' BIG WATCH!
My REACTION to this KENNETH COLE watch is to TYPE IN ALL CAPS! THE WATCH IS SO BIG IT DEMANDS EVERYTHING BE BIG AS WELL. LIKE TEXAS. OR MONTANA.
GO GET A DINNER PLATE. A SQUARE ONE IF YOU HAVE IT, BUT A ROUND ONE WILL DO. STRAP IT TO YOUR WRIST. YOU HAVE NOW SIMULATED THE FEEL OF WEARING THIS WATCH.
KENNETH COLE IS A VERY POPULAR DESIGNER. I LIKE HIS CLOTHES AND SHOES AND WHATNOT. I DO NOT, HOWEVER, LIKE THIS WATCH. I THINK THE FACTORY ACCIDENTALLY TRANSPOSED THE SIZING NUMBERS FOR A BILLBOARD ONTO THE PLANS FOR THIS WATCH, BECAUSE I CAN'T FACE THE IDEA THAT HE ACTUALLY INTENDED IT TO BE THIS SIZE.
WHAT'S NEXT? SUNGLASSES THE SIZE OF HUBCAPS? SUVS SO BIG THEY LOOK LIKE (UGLY) PIL BOXES ON WHEELS? GOLD MEDALLIONS ALSO THE SIZE OF HUBCAPS?
THIS WATCH IS IN ALMOST PERFECT CONDITION. IT HAS BEEN WORN BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW BY LOOKING AT IT. IT WORKS JUST FINE. IF YOU WANT TO BUY IT MAKE ME AN OFFER. AND I MEAN A BIG OFFER. I NEED TO GET IT OUT OF THE GARAGE SO I CAN PULL IN MY HUMMER.
Pop! Goes the Swatch...
I won't even pretend to like this watch. It is sooooooooooo stupid.
Not only is it almost as big as a dinner plate, but the face 'pops' out when you press on the outer black rim. Stupid.
I'm amazed that this thing has survived intact long enough to come into my possession. It takes very little pressure to send the face into space. That the face (and watch in general) is in such good condition is a modern day miracle. The odds must be astronomically high against not accidentally smashing the face into a hard surface during the course of a normal day. Go get a hubcap and strap it to your wrist and see how often you ding it and scratch during your normal routine. At the end of the day, I'll wager it'll look like you drove your car through the brier patch.
To add to the stupidosity, the watch is held in place by a stretchy piece of fabric and plastic buckle that I would swear is leftover from the fanny pack craze of the recent past.
Now, don't think I hate all Swatches because I don't. I had several Swatches when I was younger and all the babes thought I was so cool for being on the cutting edge of fashion. So, see, I like Swatches. At least, I like normal Swatches. Not discoid monstrosities like this thing.
What is wrong with people that a mutation like this was allowed into the world market? If you chucked this watch into the air it would probably show up on NORAD and a bunch of long-haired, sweat pant wearing conspiracy dudes would get all ufo horny thinking a new alien craft had been observed.
To reiterate: This watch is big and stupid and I hate it.
Not only is it almost as big as a dinner plate, but the face 'pops' out when you press on the outer black rim. Stupid.
I'm amazed that this thing has survived intact long enough to come into my possession. It takes very little pressure to send the face into space. That the face (and watch in general) is in such good condition is a modern day miracle. The odds must be astronomically high against not accidentally smashing the face into a hard surface during the course of a normal day. Go get a hubcap and strap it to your wrist and see how often you ding it and scratch during your normal routine. At the end of the day, I'll wager it'll look like you drove your car through the brier patch.
To add to the stupidosity, the watch is held in place by a stretchy piece of fabric and plastic buckle that I would swear is leftover from the fanny pack craze of the recent past.
Now, don't think I hate all Swatches because I don't. I had several Swatches when I was younger and all the babes thought I was so cool for being on the cutting edge of fashion. So, see, I like Swatches. At least, I like normal Swatches. Not discoid monstrosities like this thing.
What is wrong with people that a mutation like this was allowed into the world market? If you chucked this watch into the air it would probably show up on NORAD and a bunch of long-haired, sweat pant wearing conspiracy dudes would get all ufo horny thinking a new alien craft had been observed.
To reiterate: This watch is big and stupid and I hate it.
Brand: Swatch
Ladies model 'Pop Swatch." I am assuming it's a Ladies model. You never can tell these days.
Materials: Plastic for the case, case holder, and strap buckle. Probably Lycra/Spandex for the strap.
Movement: Swiss quartz.
Condition: Previously worn. Amazingly, the previous owner avoided accidently/intentionally throwing it under a steamroller. It's in great shape.
Ladies model 'Pop Swatch." I am assuming it's a Ladies model. You never can tell these days.
Materials: Plastic for the case, case holder, and strap buckle. Probably Lycra/Spandex for the strap.
Movement: Swiss quartz.
Condition: Previously worn. Amazingly, the previous owner avoided accidently/intentionally throwing it under a steamroller. It's in great shape.
That's one big Dickies.
You all woulda done the same.
And now for something completely stupid.
I'm gonna puke.
Louis, Louis...you gotta go now.
This may be the most frightening watch I've ever seen. It's like hearing a noise in your kitchen and walking in, flipping on the light and finding your fluffy little kitten chewing noisily on the dismembered corpse of the meter-reader that it slew and dragged through the cat-flap in order to feast on human flesh in peace and quiet. Then it looks at you with red, evil eyes and it's blood-wet mouth begins to grin like an extra-crazy Chesire cat as it wiggles it's butt in readiness for the pounce that will put you out of your misery.
That's how I feel about this watch. I can't look at it too long without getting chillbumps. It's all pink and yella and white and girly until you really look at what-the-hell-ever it is in the center. I think it's supposed to be one of those rarely seen Five-clawed Wang Manglers (quinque claw wangus trunco) that lurk in the Gulf of Mexico. You know some poor sap has disturbed one by the way his scream changes from basso profundo to a clear, perfect Vienna Choirboy's high C, and how his cute girlfriend takes one look at his injury and dumps his tribal-tattooed-backward-baseball-cap-wearing-doughy white ass right there on the beach. Also, this watch is ugly. I mean real ugly. Like it's been beat with an ugly stick. Or fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches. Or was rode hard and put up wet, and ugly. Ugly. You Gee El Why, you ain't got no alibi...you ugly, uh, uh, you ugly. This piece of colossal bad taste was made by Louis Vuitton, which only proves that you can't trust the French. Imagine this watch strapped to the gnarled arm of some hairy armpitted, tank-top wearing, Gaulois-smoking, buzzard breath, frog femme and you won't be able to buy enough visine to get the red horror out of your mind's eye.
That's how I feel about this watch. I can't look at it too long without getting chillbumps. It's all pink and yella and white and girly until you really look at what-the-hell-ever it is in the center. I think it's supposed to be one of those rarely seen Five-clawed Wang Manglers (quinque claw wangus trunco) that lurk in the Gulf of Mexico. You know some poor sap has disturbed one by the way his scream changes from basso profundo to a clear, perfect Vienna Choirboy's high C, and how his cute girlfriend takes one look at his injury and dumps his tribal-tattooed-backward-baseball-cap-wearing-doughy white ass right there on the beach. Also, this watch is ugly. I mean real ugly. Like it's been beat with an ugly stick. Or fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches. Or was rode hard and put up wet, and ugly. Ugly. You Gee El Why, you ain't got no alibi...you ugly, uh, uh, you ugly. This piece of colossal bad taste was made by Louis Vuitton, which only proves that you can't trust the French. Imagine this watch strapped to the gnarled arm of some hairy armpitted, tank-top wearing, Gaulois-smoking, buzzard breath, frog femme and you won't be able to buy enough visine to get the red horror out of your mind's eye.
