Oddities, Curiosities, and Crap.
Peek-a-boo! I see you...
Okay, okay. I know. You're saying to yourself, "Why that's not like any watch I've ever seen. What is this, 'Blade Runner', or Futurama or something?"
And I will answer, "Well, no. Blade Runner is a movie and Futurama is a cartoon. They're not real. Jeez."
This watch, however, is quite real. It exists. You can poke it with your finger and feel the smooth metal against your skin.
"That's all well and good," you splutter, "but where's the face? How do I use this object to tell time?"
Again, it comes to poking it with your finger. A gentle prod against the left side, directly opposite the crown, and viola...
Pretty heady stuff, huh? And, no, it's not black magic. Merely the wonder of modern(ish) technology.
For reals, yo, this is a neat little watch. Castle is the brand, which is completely new to me, but the back states quite plainly that the item sports a stainless steel back and contemporary design, is water resistant and keeps time via Japanese movt. (movt. joke here. Come on, poopie jokes never get old. For example; What is brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's first movement!!!!!!! Substitute your favorite composer/pianist and you'll have your friends in stitches!). Also, the makers went to the trouble of cutting a die to stamp what I assume to be their castle logo into the metal on the back, so you know this is quality. The finish is a nice brushed chrome on not-brushed chrome, though it's got some dings and dirt in places (that'll buff out...). Also, the movement, face and crystal are all set into the case kinda wonky. I take the Japanese view on this, and I think you should too. That view is this: A slight imperfection enhances the beauty of the object, rather than detracting from it. It's a handy way to pawn off whoopsies as intentional inclusions having philosophic and artistic value.
Anyway, the thing keeps time just fine, it's interesting for about two seconds, blah, blah, blah...
I'm bored already. What's next?
And I will answer, "Well, no. Blade Runner is a movie and Futurama is a cartoon. They're not real. Jeez."
This watch, however, is quite real. It exists. You can poke it with your finger and feel the smooth metal against your skin.
"That's all well and good," you splutter, "but where's the face? How do I use this object to tell time?"
Again, it comes to poking it with your finger. A gentle prod against the left side, directly opposite the crown, and viola...
Pretty heady stuff, huh? And, no, it's not black magic. Merely the wonder of modern(ish) technology.
For reals, yo, this is a neat little watch. Castle is the brand, which is completely new to me, but the back states quite plainly that the item sports a stainless steel back and contemporary design, is water resistant and keeps time via Japanese movt. (movt. joke here. Come on, poopie jokes never get old. For example; What is brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's first movement!!!!!!! Substitute your favorite composer/pianist and you'll have your friends in stitches!). Also, the makers went to the trouble of cutting a die to stamp what I assume to be their castle logo into the metal on the back, so you know this is quality. The finish is a nice brushed chrome on not-brushed chrome, though it's got some dings and dirt in places (that'll buff out...). Also, the movement, face and crystal are all set into the case kinda wonky. I take the Japanese view on this, and I think you should too. That view is this: A slight imperfection enhances the beauty of the object, rather than detracting from it. It's a handy way to pawn off whoopsies as intentional inclusions having philosophic and artistic value.
Anyway, the thing keeps time just fine, it's interesting for about two seconds, blah, blah, blah...
I'm bored already. What's next?
Mickey and Minnie should have stayed in school.
You know, there's just something about this watch that makes me think it might not be officially licensed by Disney.
First of all, it weighs about as much as an elderly chicken's neck feather. This means that the metal of the case probably is the Chinese equivalent of pot metal. Which, in turn, means that it is probably lousy with lead, toxic chemicals, and tiny pieces of cast-off nuclear cooling rods. The watch doesn't glow, but the hand on which I wear it does. Especially the fingers. All seven of them.
Second of all, Mickey and Minnie look a little off. I can't put my finger on it. It's like they were drawn by a talented first grader. Good for a little kid, but it's not Disney.
Third, and lastly of all, well.. this is pretty subtle... but take a look at the sentence above the heads of the mice. Does it or does it not read: will you be mySWEETLE?
Now, unless Sweetle is modern txtng or twitter-ese for 'stud/ho', then I'm almost sure it has no meaning in the English language. I suppose it might be Chinese for 'Stupid round-eye never notice wrong word. Serve him right! Capitalist pig-dog!" (I'm JOKING!!!!!! Relax.)
I think this is designed and made in China because, well, it says China on the back and because I don't think ol' Walt's quality control mouseketeers would have let such a boo-boo slip by them.
Regarding condition, the watch is pristine. Not a scratch, scuff or ding anywhere to be seen and it works perfectly. I forgot to mention that it is a very BIG watch. You can see it and it's two even BIGGER mates on the Big Watch page under the Oddities tab.
Look upon their size and despair.
First of all, it weighs about as much as an elderly chicken's neck feather. This means that the metal of the case probably is the Chinese equivalent of pot metal. Which, in turn, means that it is probably lousy with lead, toxic chemicals, and tiny pieces of cast-off nuclear cooling rods. The watch doesn't glow, but the hand on which I wear it does. Especially the fingers. All seven of them.
Second of all, Mickey and Minnie look a little off. I can't put my finger on it. It's like they were drawn by a talented first grader. Good for a little kid, but it's not Disney.
Third, and lastly of all, well.. this is pretty subtle... but take a look at the sentence above the heads of the mice. Does it or does it not read: will you be mySWEETLE?
Now, unless Sweetle is modern txtng or twitter-ese for 'stud/ho', then I'm almost sure it has no meaning in the English language. I suppose it might be Chinese for 'Stupid round-eye never notice wrong word. Serve him right! Capitalist pig-dog!" (I'm JOKING!!!!!! Relax.)
I think this is designed and made in China because, well, it says China on the back and because I don't think ol' Walt's quality control mouseketeers would have let such a boo-boo slip by them.
Regarding condition, the watch is pristine. Not a scratch, scuff or ding anywhere to be seen and it works perfectly. I forgot to mention that it is a very BIG watch. You can see it and it's two even BIGGER mates on the Big Watch page under the Oddities tab.
Look upon their size and despair.
Clearly, that's a neat watch.
What will they think of next? All acrylic watches with Swiss movement? We all dreamed of it as kids, but never thought we'd live to see it become reality.
I remember watching Flash Gordon as a kid and saying to my grandfather, who was sitting next to me, "You know, Grandfather, one day acrylic watches with Swiss Movement will be as common as ho'bags on MTV and silicone in Hollywood, and I'll be there to see it."
He broke wind and told me to shut the hell up and get him another glass of prune juice. I did as he asked and held my breath as I delivered it. Then I got my little sister and pushed her into the room so she had to breath granddad's prune poots. Man, did I laugh. Them's was good times.
Present day: Well, I was right. I'm here to see the acrylic watch with Swiss movement (from now on acronymized to AWSW). And, you know what? I'm really not that excited.
I guess it's a pretty neat watch and all. Nice clear case with a black dial and white hands, yada, yada, yada. By the way, the thing that looks like a hair on the crystal is, in fact, a hair. A cat hair.
We have a cat whose name is Terra (since she was 'fixed' her name has become 'O B C' or Obeesee. She's fat now that she has substituted eating for sex. Ah, the tragic fate of women everywhere. I'm JOKING! relax). Terra is mostly white. Her hair is short-ish. She has an ability that is peculiar to cats and some dogs, which she has refined to an art. Whenever she jumps in your lap (it hurts. She's fat.), or you pick her up there is a small, soft sound like a 'pop,' and she explodes like a dandelion (dent de leon - Lion's teeth en francaise. I just learned that.) in a hurricane. Where one moment there was clear air and clean fabric, suddenly there is a whirlwind of white hair. Her hair has the amazing property of being able to cling to human clothing and upholstery as if set under a thin coating of acrylic (see how I did that? Worked acrylic right in there...), making it virtually impossible to remove without much time and much effort. Even more amazing is the fact that no matter how much she grooms herself or is groomed by us, she always has the exact same amount of hair. As if for every hair she sheds, another is ejected from the folicle like long, thin Pez.
Anyway, that's what that white curvey thing is. And the little dots are dust. It was dusty when I took the picture.
The AWSW is in good shape overall. As you can see in the picture, the acrylic band has yellowed a bit with age but is intact and still supple. The watch winds and runs like a champ. The case is in very good shape and hasn't yellowed at all. There are scratches on the case but I would think they can be buffed out with relative ease. The words around the perimeter of the case back read: MOD DEP CASE SWISS BASE ACRYL - Why they didn't go ahead and spell out Acrylic is anybody's guess. Those crazy Swiss. The center of the case back reads: SWISS BASIS WATCH.
The movement has one jewel (said the smuggler to the shady gem merchant), and it's red.
I suppose the brand name is Lucerne, but who really knows? It's a men's sized watch, but a man should only wear this if he is 'Miami Vice' era Don Johnson or an irritating emo dipwad. Ladies shouldn't wear it either, unless that's all they're wearing. If you know what I mean...rowwrrrrr. Yeah, you know.
One other thing about Terra; she is a prolific hairball barfer. Being a creature of habit, she barfs them in two places only; 1. The floor. But only in places one is likely to walk barefooted in the middle of the night. I'm sure she smiles when she hears the cursing of a man feeling cold, half-digested hair and kitty kibble squishing up between his bare toes. 2. My keyboard. Seriously, I think she can hold a barf in until she is able to leg it from any area of the house to my study, then up on my chair, and finally to the keyboard where she unloads. I don't know how much experience you folks have with barfed up hairballs, but I will tell you that it's a lot easier to just go out and buy a cheap new keyboard than it is to clean cold, wet cat barf from between the keys of the old one. Yuck.
Now, I think I'm gonna barf.
More pics of the AWSW below.
I remember watching Flash Gordon as a kid and saying to my grandfather, who was sitting next to me, "You know, Grandfather, one day acrylic watches with Swiss Movement will be as common as ho'bags on MTV and silicone in Hollywood, and I'll be there to see it."
He broke wind and told me to shut the hell up and get him another glass of prune juice. I did as he asked and held my breath as I delivered it. Then I got my little sister and pushed her into the room so she had to breath granddad's prune poots. Man, did I laugh. Them's was good times.
Present day: Well, I was right. I'm here to see the acrylic watch with Swiss movement (from now on acronymized to AWSW). And, you know what? I'm really not that excited.
I guess it's a pretty neat watch and all. Nice clear case with a black dial and white hands, yada, yada, yada. By the way, the thing that looks like a hair on the crystal is, in fact, a hair. A cat hair.
We have a cat whose name is Terra (since she was 'fixed' her name has become 'O B C' or Obeesee. She's fat now that she has substituted eating for sex. Ah, the tragic fate of women everywhere. I'm JOKING! relax). Terra is mostly white. Her hair is short-ish. She has an ability that is peculiar to cats and some dogs, which she has refined to an art. Whenever she jumps in your lap (it hurts. She's fat.), or you pick her up there is a small, soft sound like a 'pop,' and she explodes like a dandelion (dent de leon - Lion's teeth en francaise. I just learned that.) in a hurricane. Where one moment there was clear air and clean fabric, suddenly there is a whirlwind of white hair. Her hair has the amazing property of being able to cling to human clothing and upholstery as if set under a thin coating of acrylic (see how I did that? Worked acrylic right in there...), making it virtually impossible to remove without much time and much effort. Even more amazing is the fact that no matter how much she grooms herself or is groomed by us, she always has the exact same amount of hair. As if for every hair she sheds, another is ejected from the folicle like long, thin Pez.
Anyway, that's what that white curvey thing is. And the little dots are dust. It was dusty when I took the picture.
The AWSW is in good shape overall. As you can see in the picture, the acrylic band has yellowed a bit with age but is intact and still supple. The watch winds and runs like a champ. The case is in very good shape and hasn't yellowed at all. There are scratches on the case but I would think they can be buffed out with relative ease. The words around the perimeter of the case back read: MOD DEP CASE SWISS BASE ACRYL - Why they didn't go ahead and spell out Acrylic is anybody's guess. Those crazy Swiss. The center of the case back reads: SWISS BASIS WATCH.
The movement has one jewel (said the smuggler to the shady gem merchant), and it's red.
I suppose the brand name is Lucerne, but who really knows? It's a men's sized watch, but a man should only wear this if he is 'Miami Vice' era Don Johnson or an irritating emo dipwad. Ladies shouldn't wear it either, unless that's all they're wearing. If you know what I mean...rowwrrrrr. Yeah, you know.
One other thing about Terra; she is a prolific hairball barfer. Being a creature of habit, she barfs them in two places only; 1. The floor. But only in places one is likely to walk barefooted in the middle of the night. I'm sure she smiles when she hears the cursing of a man feeling cold, half-digested hair and kitty kibble squishing up between his bare toes. 2. My keyboard. Seriously, I think she can hold a barf in until she is able to leg it from any area of the house to my study, then up on my chair, and finally to the keyboard where she unloads. I don't know how much experience you folks have with barfed up hairballs, but I will tell you that it's a lot easier to just go out and buy a cheap new keyboard than it is to clean cold, wet cat barf from between the keys of the old one. Yuck.
Now, I think I'm gonna barf.
More pics of the AWSW below.
Clearly, this is stupid.
I'm speechless...except to say that emo dorkwangs will get all goopy over this watch.
Whiny poseurs.
Whiny poseurs.
Give me a light...no, Miller Lite.
This watch'll go just right with your mullet and Camaro.
Brand: Who the hell knows? It's a Miller Lite Logo watch.
For men or women. Whoever wears it will look sharp as a tack when they go steppin' out to line dance and then skinny dip in the small town's water supply. You wonder why your tap smells like Beechnut and Britney Spears Heau de Toilet? Now you know.
Materials: Metal and plastic.
Movement: It's a digital readout. It works.
Condition: Surprisingly good. Considering the last owner probably lost this watch when he/she passed out face down in a fresh cow patty after a night of drunken cow-tipping and heavy petting, I'd say it's in amazing condition. Be aware there are two thumbnail marks near the top and right side of the face!
For men or women. Whoever wears it will look sharp as a tack when they go steppin' out to line dance and then skinny dip in the small town's water supply. You wonder why your tap smells like Beechnut and Britney Spears Heau de Toilet? Now you know.
Materials: Metal and plastic.
Movement: It's a digital readout. It works.
Condition: Surprisingly good. Considering the last owner probably lost this watch when he/she passed out face down in a fresh cow patty after a night of drunken cow-tipping and heavy petting, I'd say it's in amazing condition. Be aware there are two thumbnail marks near the top and right side of the face!
What the pfuc...pfudge is this?
This is a Pfizer Viagra watch.
Pfor the life of me, I can't pfigure out what sort of pfreak would pfain wear one of these pfrankly pfrightening symbols of multinational imperialism. Or, what kind of pfancypants studwanger would conclude that it's ever okay to wear anything advertising Erectile Dyspfunction. What's next? Preparation-H Bikinis? Charmin Jeans? It's bad enough we have to be assaulted by ads pfor exceptionally intimate products on T.V. (Remember the one pfor post-poop wetnaps? It had the happy music playing over scenes of people of various sizes and shapes wagging their supposedly clean and fresh bums at the camera. Blarf. Or how 'bout the one pfor Immodium AD, the Diarrhea specialist? Double blarf. Or the one pfor Pepto-Bismol that had the guy grabbing his butt and looking alarmed as last night's dog meat taco percolated nastily in his lower intestines? Triple dog blarf. Are we a nation of diarrhetic, poorly wiped blarfbags? Apparently.)
Now we gotta contend with some Spazzwag wearing boner ads in public?
The watch is an ad-specialty piece. That means it turns you into a walking advertisement. It's just like when doofwads wear those huge sweatshirts with the Tommy Hilfigger logo or that Polo dude on the pfront. Don't they realize they paid $250 to advertise for the company? Apparently, they don't. One reason why Hilphinger and Polo dude are so wealthy. It's like wearing a t-shirt that says "Rolex." Everybody knows you wouldn't know a Rolex pfrom a blinged-out Sergio Valente at the pflea market, but you think we all think you're classy and rich because your t-shirt advertises a pfancy brand. In truth, we think you're a derfwag who needs a good punch in the pface so you'll learn that it's not okay to be a derfwag.
Anyway, this watch is plastic and way cheap. It's not really the best advertising medium. The watch band won't stay up when you play with it. It slowly but surely becomes pflaccid regardless of how much you tug it and slap it around. It's a phallic symbol, to be sure, though pface and case make it look like a phallus with large tumor in the center, or one of those constrictors that are like 80 pfeet long and eat things like elephants that take two years to digest, leaving the snake bloated and helpless against any yokel who comes by and wants a couple of hundred new python watch bands. Gross.
Brand: Who knows? Not me. Let's just say Pfizer.
Pfor men or women? I won't even dignify that with an answer.
Materials: Plastic and metal.
Movement: Pfar eastern quartz.
Condition: Not bad. You see all the dust in the picture? That's not included in the price of the watch. It's extra. I'm using it pfor display purposes only. The watch works, though I wouldn't be surprised if the hands begin to soften and go limp after the Viagra wears off.
Pfor the life of me, I can't pfigure out what sort of pfreak would pfain wear one of these pfrankly pfrightening symbols of multinational imperialism. Or, what kind of pfancypants studwanger would conclude that it's ever okay to wear anything advertising Erectile Dyspfunction. What's next? Preparation-H Bikinis? Charmin Jeans? It's bad enough we have to be assaulted by ads pfor exceptionally intimate products on T.V. (Remember the one pfor post-poop wetnaps? It had the happy music playing over scenes of people of various sizes and shapes wagging their supposedly clean and fresh bums at the camera. Blarf. Or how 'bout the one pfor Immodium AD, the Diarrhea specialist? Double blarf. Or the one pfor Pepto-Bismol that had the guy grabbing his butt and looking alarmed as last night's dog meat taco percolated nastily in his lower intestines? Triple dog blarf. Are we a nation of diarrhetic, poorly wiped blarfbags? Apparently.)
Now we gotta contend with some Spazzwag wearing boner ads in public?
The watch is an ad-specialty piece. That means it turns you into a walking advertisement. It's just like when doofwads wear those huge sweatshirts with the Tommy Hilfigger logo or that Polo dude on the pfront. Don't they realize they paid $250 to advertise for the company? Apparently, they don't. One reason why Hilphinger and Polo dude are so wealthy. It's like wearing a t-shirt that says "Rolex." Everybody knows you wouldn't know a Rolex pfrom a blinged-out Sergio Valente at the pflea market, but you think we all think you're classy and rich because your t-shirt advertises a pfancy brand. In truth, we think you're a derfwag who needs a good punch in the pface so you'll learn that it's not okay to be a derfwag.
Anyway, this watch is plastic and way cheap. It's not really the best advertising medium. The watch band won't stay up when you play with it. It slowly but surely becomes pflaccid regardless of how much you tug it and slap it around. It's a phallic symbol, to be sure, though pface and case make it look like a phallus with large tumor in the center, or one of those constrictors that are like 80 pfeet long and eat things like elephants that take two years to digest, leaving the snake bloated and helpless against any yokel who comes by and wants a couple of hundred new python watch bands. Gross.
Brand: Who knows? Not me. Let's just say Pfizer.
Pfor men or women? I won't even dignify that with an answer.
Materials: Plastic and metal.
Movement: Pfar eastern quartz.
Condition: Not bad. You see all the dust in the picture? That's not included in the price of the watch. It's extra. I'm using it pfor display purposes only. The watch works, though I wouldn't be surprised if the hands begin to soften and go limp after the Viagra wears off.
High scale fashion style stupidness from the Far East.
Dayum! Bubba, check it out!
Is this class, or what? I've never seen such a versatile watch. Wear it with your cut-offs and Budweiser wife beater to the Lynard Skynard reunion show or with your cut-offs and and tuxedo jacket over a faux tuxedo t-shirt to the prom with your 13 year old pregnant girlfriend / step-sister. Just be careful when you start tweakin' on poorly made meth and beechnut/skoal/cope that you don't lose it while dry humping your girlfriend / step-sister's 17 year old step momma in the cab of her El Camino parked in a cow field while she's laying on a bed of used rubbers, skoal cans and ketchup packets from the fancy dinner you all had at Wendy's earlier that night. The watch likely is the nicest thing you have. And that includes the STD you got from your step-mom that time she caught you drying off after a quick bath in the crick out behind the port-o-let her latest lover stole from some construction site so ya'll could have almost-indoor plumbing like the high-tone peeps in the big city of Bumphuck.
Of all the classy things about this watch, my fave is the Diamoniquanoid® right smack on the face. It's a faux authentic ersatz diamonoidine® style transparent genuine jewel type bauble of surpassed clarity weighing in at .0004 ounces which might translate to 200 carats depending on the scale you're using and your ablility to understand even the simplest mathmatics while zonin' on a skoal trip in your ridiculous little slammed Honda which eats up all the money that should go to the various backwood skanks you somehow impregnated when you both accidentally fell down in cow pasture and your clothes blowed off. And it's glued on on top of a piece of real aluminum foil for that added spargle.
Also, the name of the watch screams class. Carter and Van Peel. Is that a subsidiary of Van Cleef and Arpels? Not quite, but very close. Actually, it's a subsidiary of Wank Wang Dump and Chow Chee, Ltd., Hong Kong, purveyors of big style fun time pip wear upclass watching strap and other much desiring USA fashion style glazing pant.
Sweet.
Is this class, or what? I've never seen such a versatile watch. Wear it with your cut-offs and Budweiser wife beater to the Lynard Skynard reunion show or with your cut-offs and and tuxedo jacket over a faux tuxedo t-shirt to the prom with your 13 year old pregnant girlfriend / step-sister. Just be careful when you start tweakin' on poorly made meth and beechnut/skoal/cope that you don't lose it while dry humping your girlfriend / step-sister's 17 year old step momma in the cab of her El Camino parked in a cow field while she's laying on a bed of used rubbers, skoal cans and ketchup packets from the fancy dinner you all had at Wendy's earlier that night. The watch likely is the nicest thing you have. And that includes the STD you got from your step-mom that time she caught you drying off after a quick bath in the crick out behind the port-o-let her latest lover stole from some construction site so ya'll could have almost-indoor plumbing like the high-tone peeps in the big city of Bumphuck.
Of all the classy things about this watch, my fave is the Diamoniquanoid® right smack on the face. It's a faux authentic ersatz diamonoidine® style transparent genuine jewel type bauble of surpassed clarity weighing in at .0004 ounces which might translate to 200 carats depending on the scale you're using and your ablility to understand even the simplest mathmatics while zonin' on a skoal trip in your ridiculous little slammed Honda which eats up all the money that should go to the various backwood skanks you somehow impregnated when you both accidentally fell down in cow pasture and your clothes blowed off. And it's glued on on top of a piece of real aluminum foil for that added spargle.
Also, the name of the watch screams class. Carter and Van Peel. Is that a subsidiary of Van Cleef and Arpels? Not quite, but very close. Actually, it's a subsidiary of Wank Wang Dump and Chow Chee, Ltd., Hong Kong, purveyors of big style fun time pip wear upclass watching strap and other much desiring USA fashion style glazing pant.
Sweet.
Bayerische Motoren Werke AG
That's what the Jerries call Bavarian Motor Works, or BMW. Although, if we're being nitpicky - and we are - shouldn't it be BMWAG? But yuppies wouldn't like that would they? I think not. Also, when you say that you drive a BMW, you should pronounce it properly. That means you say Bay Em Vay. Then, to further the notion that you actually speak German, say Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, and Beethoven Bach, Verboten, and Ja!, and nein, and Fick, and Arscheficker, spreckin zee doitch, Guten nacht, Scheiße, and farfulnougit or whatever.Then whip out this watch as if it proves something.
Despite the fact that your host might get all Armin Meiwes on your ass when you visit the Fatherland, (pun intended. Google Mr. Meiwes if you don't know the name) you have to admit the Hun makes sweet automobiles.
Despite the fact that your host might get all Armin Meiwes on your ass when you visit the Fatherland, (pun intended. Google Mr. Meiwes if you don't know the name) you have to admit the Hun makes sweet automobiles.
That's a Sweet 'Stang...
WGS - Near Mint
What a goober.
WGS - Very Good
WGS - Very Good
Lionel Train Alarm Clock
I have two of these monstrosities, so make an offer. They Work!